'wooden jesus I'll cut you in'

'on 20% of my future sin'

I remember everything. I remember every little thing as if it happened only yesterday. I remember being barely seventeen. I remember being one of 'those' who in poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat up smoking in the supernatural darkness of cold-water flats floating across the tops of cities contemplating jazz, who bared their brains to Heaven under the El and saw Mohammedan angels staggering on tenement roofs illuminated, who passed through universities with radiant cool eyes hallucinating Arkansas and Blake-light tragedy among the scholars of war, who were expelled from the academies for being crazy & publishing obscene odes on the windows of the skull.

All of this came from the same hand, hands that were manicured. I remember.

We used to talk, us two, in the Paris Cafe`, as we watched the world go by. You moved me like the sunset... and I would say 'God... who painted that?' but it would fade like the rain and drown in a smile that was fathomless as the way I was moved to tears and I said, 'When I hate you, it's only because I love you to a point of passion that it can unhinge my very soul.'

And I heard:

I love you to a point of passion that can unhinge my soul
Raging rampant through the night
It lifts your breath and takes your mind to that single place
To rest your head upon my chest

What motivates us lets us breath
The dreams we feel when we sleep
Inside deeper than the blackest night
Racing breath and sultry sweat

Ever hold a palm in your hand
Feeling presence at it's touch
Within stirs an immense in depth look upon forever
Let rest inside that feeling deep inside your hearts content

We had been young, once upon a time. Sometimes, I would just listen to the ramblings. I won't say I ever understood, but I listened. And I remember everything.

And it would start:

Hmm....yess.....but a sweet lord am I....



I wish to ramble...so I think I shall...two horses and two pigs, twelve angry little men.....Brisk in the morning dew drops dangle from slightly chilled earlobes.....however the cost may be, greater than by far the most enthrawled act of rightiousness from what forth may be forgotten for a greater cause. On the higher edge of the rope, it'll break and who will hold your head above the safety nets....The clowns shall laugh, the tamer with sleep and the ringleader of them all shall hang himself from the big top......slow and dangles down from head to toe....easy on the pills....the bottle shall lay flat upon your sun....shine from that deepest part of inside your eternity....soulfull in the dusky evening, captured by bittersweet....holding faster none the richer, slipping through your fingertips.

No one gets to be young forever do they? Not in the respect of innocence. You hate yourself so much, much more than any that curse your name and shook their fists at the sky. I guess that's when it began. I followed your example. Sometimes, I think it was planned that way. Not so much a fall from grace, as a look at what lay below it. I still remember the look on that face in those final moments, as much as I remember the words themselves.

Things change so fast:

Ever present is that feeling.
It stirs within me still.
I can't escape that feeling.
I hope I never will.

To long I've waited, anxious.
Much I owe to touch.
That feeling I know
Oh, stirs within me so.
The devil could never take that smile.

I feel that evil creep inside of me
I feel the touch that brings me down.
I know how much I need that feeling.
Two hands wrapped around exposed throat.

Somehow you find it nessecarry to clench
I know you want to squeeze.
Two hands into fists and pound.
I feel a fury building deep within.
Yet somehow I wish you to pound it in.

Reach down deep, so deep you touch bottom
Wrap those tender little digits 'round pumping heart
I want you to take it.
I need you to take it.

Catch that breath as movement is closer
Closer to the lung
Timing is everything in the bed
How you could feel my life stop beating

And as you finish up
You walk away, giving hips a little sway
Smirk upon those lips....I pray
You hunted with the devil last night

You tore me from a gentle thought
My heart between teeth still beating is caught
A fare price to pay for the soul in my box.

I hid the key
In my safe place
You'll never find it
Yet so close to the taste

Your tongue has run along it's curves before
Yet still your hunger brings you back for more

Then the Angels sang for me:

'You've poisoned all your children,'

'To cover up your scars.'

And then I remember it again. The silence. Before the words came. Before we fell. Before the beginning of when it began.

And the Choir sang:

'The bitch is in her smile'
'The lie is on her lips'
'Such an evil child'
'The woman was born to lie'
'Makes promises she can't keep'
'With the wink of an eye'

-It coulda been me but it was you-

Then all Hell broke loose:

It's my turn

To throw the next stone

I'd call you beautiful

But I won't call -at all-

-Your a wooden Jesus-

It's time to say goodbye now:

And idiot trapped inside a box we shall call his mind. Terrorizing himself for lack of attention needing something thats pure. Needing something to heal the hurt.... I tried to just soothe all the pain and weakness....in you.... I start breathing and I can't find my way out again. I can't stop screaming, all my insides beg me to fuck it away.

No more bleeding and no screaming clear of all thats tainted. Pushing myself to something holy something I can hold way down deep and all the fear I have shall dissapear.

Oh god.....

stop it all

stop your thought

stop everything that hurts you

stop your mind and stop your needing

stop your heart from bleeding

stop my hand from beating, beating at myself

I can't die.......

I can't die.......

I can't die.......

--click here to go on--